Golden Gate Dreams

Do you remember?

That time
You sat on the edge of the dock
Right below the Golden Gate Bridge
Feeling that August breeze chill your bones
A sweet
Silent whisper of satisfaction
 
For the first time
You felt
This was the place to be
Only to realize
Hints of doubtful pleasure
Viciously glided through crevices of your piece of mind
 
Removing the stitches
That sewed your smile together
Suture by suture
Until the blood
From your bleeding lips
Seeped through your heart
With a mind blowing demolition of apathy
 
And that August breeze
Didn’t feel so sweet the second time
You looked down
Where the oceans surface
Rested
Inches below your dangling sneakers
Noticing
How easy it would be to collapse
 
Into this dark abyss because
Instead of security
Numbing your senses with the joy of definition
Pacific waters
On the verge of winter
Will just numb you with the senses of feeling nothing
 
So what did you do?
You connected
That bridge of golden gates
To the bridge that connects to your spine
Hoping
For a lemon drop of stimulation
To teleport you back
To that happy place you once called dream home
 
But that desire you once held on to
Flew away
Just like that seagull
That rested
Right next to you on the edge of the dock
Staring at you
With those black endless eyes
Seeming to say
That

Well, perhaps

Maybe

There’s somewhat of a chance

That you kinda

Sort of

Belong here

But I guess seagulls aren’t meant to give definite answers

So now you sit
On the edge of your bed
Pounding away
On that laptop
Forte epidemics of a concert pianist
 
Alone
 
Only able to speak with her fingertips
Ejecting word vomit onto white canvas
Frustration colored thoughts
Painting memories
With California skies
Attentively reaching for a sign
 
Neon printed notices
Chasing autumn leaves
Long enough to catch your attention
Something
Anything
That will call you back
To Pacific Ocean waters
Golden Gates
City lights
Comfort zones
Alcatraz playing peek-a-boo through fog
Across your backyard

But all you have to do is
Let understanding set in
Don’t wait
For “eventuallys” and “better times”
You’ve always heard
Later never happens
Be patient
Yet assertive because
When you feel it in your gut
Don’t let chances pass you by
 
Do you hear that?
Your Ocean waters are calling

The Butterfly Kiss

Your butterfly lips have affected me

Effecting me infectiously
The fatality in your kiss
Making me blush crimson across my swollen cheeks
I crawl battle ground style
Away from your landmine touch

Leaving my own finger tips tender
Joints crippled
Your tainted marks along my body
To remind me that you never left
Result of your elegant dismay of affection

You took my breath away

Literally

It’s hard to breathe

When you’ve kept the mechanisms of my body
Clutched in the palms of your greedy hands
Suave as a cigarette
You held me between your fingers
Showing the world
What misery looks like in the face of Death

I lay there
Open as a wound
Festering my soothing consolation
Staring at a blank wall
Mindlessly lost
In how mindlessly I could stare into a blank wall
While legal poisons
Use a form of assassination
Creeping through my veins
Already bruised
From sedative flavored needles
Soaking it all in

Your looming presence
Forever oppressing my delicacy
As they tell me it’s alright
To be weak
This is just another scene in your one act trickery

Deception lingering on your perfume

Intoxicating precious oxygen that engulfs my lungs
Leaving me unable to hold onto reality

Barely scraping by
Embedded claw marks from desperate finger nails
On the edge of Life’s doorway
Proof that my semi-comatose self refused to let you win

You, with your harmful, blatant gaze
You, with your murderous smile
Stretched across your wingspan
While you present yourself
As a butterfly with the blood of a wolf
Delicately stalking
Your attack only a forewarning
Endless vicious cycles

Ranyn

I’ve always seen the car crash in your eyes

Since the day we made our friendship vows
On paper made of bruised skin and bones
Resembling our broken lives
That seemed to fuse us together
With blood transfusions
Of each other’s emotional DNA

We made like safety nets

Catching each other’s falls
Pretending to be our own personal heroes
Because we knew
That we were really just victims
Playing God
While we drowned in the rivers
Of our own destruction
 
You dedicated songs to me
And I wanted to play them back
Paste them on your wounds
As bandages
Write a “get well” note and sign my name
With shitty hearts and fake smiley faces
Because your pain
Reminded me too much of mine
Making accidental empathy collide into yours
Like something caused by carelessness
And carelessness always gets the handcuffs
 
But we were careless anyways
Feeding our sorrows to one another
Like feeding flames with gasoline
And problems became forest fires
Burning down foundations along with the trees
And somehow
I still thought I could save you
With the safety nets that we claimed to be
But I forgot that I was with you in the smoke
Inhaling deadly fumes
Alongside you in the blackness

And we struggled

We struggled together
Two helpless people
Panicking in the deep end
Trying to rescue one another
It didn’t make any sense
 
But we still held on
To our invisible life jackets
To each other
While we sank
To the bottom of everything
And I think
You forgot to breathe
Before we went under
Before we began inhaling sins
Like unwanted fluid
Entering our lungs
With no more room for one last gasp of air
It was too late

And pretty soon
I lost sight of your outstretched hand
The tips of my fingers just inches away from yours
Slipping
Slipping
Slipping away
And I didn’t mean to let go
But I did

And I’m sorry

Speak

Her eyes
Are like rusted bullet holes
Rooted in a concrete wall
From the guns of mafias that never get caught
Remaining silent and forgotten
But still holding memory
Of police chases and ransom notes
When you look in her eyes
It’s like witnessing
The replay of massacred secrets
Buried beneath the hard wood floors of rumors
 
Her mouth
Is a locked door
Concealing words
With illumination
Holding back honest secrets
Disguised as fabrication
That will never be revealed
Like that night
That night
Of intoxicated mistakes
Eating her alive
More than the world will ever understand
More than they’ll ever care to know
 
And her lungs
Have been set on mute
By remote controls shaped like lumberjack hands
Playing rewind
With her stifled screams
Like the numb of paralysis
Invading the core of every nerve within her body
Traveling with hindered speed
Unable to keep up with the thoughts not yet processed
Bribed
With manipulation
Money can’t even buy
 
Her heart
Is an isolation room
Surrounded by white walls
Fluorescent lights
And signs saying
“Contact Isolation”
“Caution”
“Don’t touch”
Enclosed in a building for the sick
And the wounded
She is diseased
Her heart is putrid
Filthy
The contagion from her guilt
Like airborne toxins
Polluting the air like secondhand smoke
 
Her body
Is made up of clichés
Words spoken too often
Words that have lost their dazzle
Words like: perfect
Replaced with
“Whore”
“Slut”
“Skank”
“Tramp”
“Don’t tell me you were raped because we all know what you did, you fucking bitch”

And she remains silent

As silent as the corner of her room
Stained with tomorrow’s desiccated blood
From the arms of a girl
Who just wants to be hugged again
Or better yet
Who wishes she was forgotten
Invisible 
Just like how things used to be
 
Now
Her name is plastered
Onto the lips of everyone
Like flyers to the lamp posts
Of missing children
Except nobody gives a shit
Nobody wants to know
True from false
Right from wrong
Good from evil
 
They just want to know the stories
That look good in their minds
That taste good on their tongues
Spreading like the black smoke from wildfires
And she’s trapped
In the middle of it
Of this predicament
Of constant conundrums
That she has no control over
Because words have never been so menacing
So restraining
As a prison
Security of significance
Slipping from her trembling fingers

She is helpless

Like that night
That night of intoxicated mistakes
When he held her
Whispered sweet nothings in her ear
Like death threats
Stealing the precious foundation from her feet
With force
Aggression
As her world collided upon itself
Like an apocalypse
And all of a sudden
She had never known what fear was
Before that night
 
But nobody listens
Nobody believes
Because she is nothing
The lies are screaming louder
Than her own thoughts
And she’s suffocating
Drowning
In a pool of secrets and deception
 
Break the silence
Take the word “rape”
And embroider it
On the scars that line your wrists
Unlock the door to your lungs
And scream concealed revelations
Until they drown out the lies
From their ears
Until your truth
Becomes a part of their atmosphere
Freeing your mind
To speak

Painted Porcelain

Child

Your face holds expressions
Leftover from the tale ends of their arguments
With your name of broken records
Plastered firmly onto the last word spoken

As much as you wish you could

Don’t get used to it
Because you never will
You will continue to cringe from their nail-to-chalkboard voices every time
So hide
Shut out the world
Just like you’ve already taught yourself how
 
Wear that face until people assume your life
No one will understand you anyways
Painted porcelain that once coveted your skin in diamond flesh
Will chip away
But repaint it
Every year
Until residue of past is hidden beneath the layers
Blanketing your scars with counterfeit apathy
 
They will never cease to scrutinize you
Their fingers
Tapping on mahogany tabletops like silent enigmas
Awaiting constant revenue of lingering smiles too wide for your honesty
 
You’ve always been like broken French Italian demitasse
Beautiful
Detailed
Delicate
Now simply just another mess to clean up

So find yourself

In the wreckage
Of anger-induced declarations passive aggressively flung to the wall
That shudders
Craving the ability to turn itself inside out
To avoid the inflicted destruction
 
You’ve become one with the wall
 
So, young child
Sleep with your ears closed
And your mind wide open
So that the biting resonance from their acidic screams
Will defer from entering into your distant dreams
That catch fragments of idealistic childhoods in mesh-nets like fireflies
 
Inconspicuously
You’ve been taught not to love with freedom
And you’ve learned
That you will endure whiplashes of constant loneliness
Because eventually
Everyone you think you love will always leave you
 
Remember
That you will never be as perfect as they wish you were
Significance is a daily visitor
Pain is your nightly friend
Mistakes are not allowed
And you will always be a glass window away from happiness
 
So go forth
To your pit hole of estranged darkness
And wait for your dehydrated tear ducts to form rain clouds
Accumulated forms of madness
Erratically filtered with pandemonium
They say
Depression is nothing more than perspective
 
So conceal it
Embed it underneath your paper skin like a secret
It will make you itch
But don’t scratch it
It will fester
But don’t medicate it
Because they will only tell you
That you can fix yourself

The Apology

He enters the room 
As tension fills the air

Smothering my lungs

Into complete deterioration
Until I swear
I can feel my heart cease
The hands of the clock begin to slow
So leisurely
While I wait to breathe a sigh of relief
His authority cages my sense of being
And I long to escape
Because I am nothing here
I desire firm resolve
But will he care to hear me?
Feel my love though respect is shallow

Only respect can be earned in due time
Yet time has vanished
The chance is lost
Now who’s at fault where pure honesty pleads?
My apology is genuine
Yet, you won’t accept
As I am human
Full of lies
So where do we go from this point?
Relationships shattering
Like frail windows of abandoned temples
Once untainted
Now broken
Unspeaking
As pressure builds
Within this “home”
Assumed hatred exposes itself
But truth
Is settled within my soul
There exists no hate
Only frustration
That festers every ounce of me
Driving me to become despicable
At the sight of myself
I feel pathetic
In which a thanks is in order
Now I will forgive
And ask for help
Where change in one’s self initially presents
But like a cycle of birth and death
You persist to behave in that manner
Believing destruction and ignorance will conquer
As affectively as a bulldozer to a feeble shack  
And, yes, I am the shack
Embodied with weakness, deficiency and shame
Containing nothing but insignificance
In which you have compelled me to become
So I stand here and I watch
So helplessly
While our precious dwelling is demolished
One wretched morsal at a time
Because stopping you would be a waste of energy
Your character has become the very definition of stubborn jackass
But why must you obliterate the bonds in your life
Relationships infused with a love misunderstood
Which you selfishly throw away
Because your blindness prevents you from seeing
What I’m worth and the person I have turned out to be
Growing up to find my perspective precisely as yours
So hold me in your heart just as you did when you first held me in your arms
Take a long, hard look
For I will evaporate from your grasp
Like the last rain drop from a single pond
Until those blinders disentigrate from your eyes

Pills

I take these pills

In hopes that some day
These diseases will flee not only my body but my mind.
This mentality has been instilled into my head
Like an epitaph for a headstone
I take these pills
Because day by day they make me weaker
But it’s ok because the doc said I’ll be fine
Though the chemicals infused in those pills
Become the cause of my already frail bones
I take these pills
So that my body can be intoxicated
With the promise of premature goodbyes
Only to feel the sulking souls of existence
Surround my very being
Insistent upon hearing the echo
Of those half immortal, putrid lies
I take these pills
Because I’m forced to realize
That these are the precious gems that keep me breathing
So I swallow these drugs
One by one
And wash them down with my heartbroken pride
In hopes that I will soon
Very soon
Break free from this invisible chain
That pins me down like a thousand knives
As I anticipate
My imposter’s course of action to incarcerate my brain
And as I wait
Every day
For some new symptom to arise
I mask my pain with a smile
And tell myself there is no room for sorrow
But I’m not allowed to wear that smile for long
Before fate appears behind a disguise
In which I am told to refrain myself from hoping for tomorrow
And sometimes I agree
And lower my head in defeat
Not wanting to live this agonizing life
Oh, but don’t you worry
Because sometimes fate can be a scheming bullshitter
And sometimes instead of agreeing I decide to fight
Until this illness
That attempts to debilitate me
No longer makes me bitter
So I’ll proceed to battle this
Accepting that my days will be filled with lows and highs
And I’ll stubbornly refuse to let these ailments get me down
Because I want my wounds to be healed
By my persistent motivated drive
So that I can wear my scars
With the same pride as wearing a graduation gown
I have excelled to a new level of hope and sense of relief
Because now I know the meaning to my existence
Which I am determined to strive
With a new hope in love and faith to extend my new belief
That I am a luscious lavender lupus butterfly
Spreading my wings to the skies